Everything begins with "I cannot"

I cannot quit
I cannot eat what I want
I cannot buy anything
I cannot spend money
I cannot join the gym
I cannot go to places I want
I cannot do whatever I like
I cannot loose weight
I cannot say what I like
I cannot go out too much
I cannot have fun
I cannot indulge
I cannot blend in
I cannot run away
I cannot joke
I cannot understand things
I cannot make you understand
I cannot walk with confidence
I cannot drive at night
I cannot talk louder than you
I cannot complain
I cannot cry
I cannot ask for something
I cannot do anything without feeling bad, disrespectful, irresponsible, aweful.

I'm so sick of all the cannots okay???

Go, take everything away from me. At this point, I really hate my life.

Maybe tomorrow I'll regret posting something so full of agony but I'm not gonna delete it. If that's how I feel now then that's how the revelation of words should be. Removing the post doesn't change the fact that misery was once on my side and of course I know certain people will cast judgemental glances at me. Maybe it's time I live with it.


I am pissed off by numerous mini incidents.

Why-I-am-angry #1:

I had a pair of white shoes with heel and buckle(like those on a belt) tried on today and my size was in between 37 and 38. Of course they don't have a 37.5 so the shop lady said she can fix it by enlarging the front part using machines they have in the shop. Mom asked her several times how the process is going to be but she just kept saying we have machines.

Fair enough, we let her to it and entertained ourselves with the other shoes in the store while she fixes the sized 37 shoe I was going to buy. When she returned, we found out that the stripe was punched with 2 extra holes. It was horror as she completely ruined the design and I was a tad mad that she didn't explain that earlier. We would've stopped her.

Worst of all the stripe looked as if it was loosely hanged and floating on top of the toe part of the shoe. We trusted her, and that was a mistake that couldn't be undone. Mom tried to explain that wasn't what we expected and asked if we could just get another pair. I saw her face expression change. She immediately said that was the last one and we either take it or leave it. So, I said sorry and we left, bearing her deadly stare and malicious mumble.

I know as consumers we didn't do anything wrong at all but because of how things happened it seemed like we were the ones to blame.

And there goes my shoe :( I swear this is the 352689th time I wasn't able to buy that something something I really really must-have. The last time my supposed-to-be high school prom dress got sold to someone else (I was only late for a few minutes!) I was so frustrated I nearly cried. It's heartbreaking when things like that happen I'm not trying to be sarcastic but it's true.

Anyway after that, I completely lost the mood for shoe hunting.

Why-I-am-angry #2:

When I board escalators alone I like to climb up/walk down. But then Malaysians prove to lack this kind of consciousness that others might be rushing when they simply glance at you, which at the time was standing just one step below, obviously trying to hint that they're in your way, and turn their heads back pretending nothing has happened.

I know I know, I could have simply said excuse me but that wasn't on my mind that time. First thing that came to mind was how people should be thought to stand towards the left when boarding the escalator to allow others that are in a rush or simply wants to climb to go through, now we don't need anymore people-congestion than we already have do we?


Why-I-am-angry #3:

Was thirsty today hence I went to Juice Works to get a thirst quencher. The ordering process works like Starbucks: you order at the counter, you pay, then you claim your order at the little counter beside. But nooooooo, some people must have a mini gathering in front of the counter, blocking the line and totally ignoring the fact that other customers are also waiting for their orders. They shamelessly stood there with 3 baby trolleys (you think nowadays baby trolleys are small ah?), 4 friends, and 3 maids, just waiting for that 2 500ml cups of juice. Argh when will we ever become civilized?


Why-I-am-angry #4:

Malaysians.

Besides to family members, friends, customers, collogues and bosses, they do not smile. And when you smile at them, just to be polite, they either look away nervously or they cast you a peculiar look, secretly wondering what you want. If not both, they suddenly become very scary going "Hai moi!" with that look and the first thing you want to do is get outta there.

They do not say sorry when they've accidentally stepped your feet in the Monorail. They pretend nothing happened and continue minding their own business.

They do not say excuse me. They rather just push through and knock people that're in their way aside. And maybe not all but some do not even say a word as simple but as powerful as thanks or your welcome.

I'm not being particular, but I now know why we are disgracefully crowned the 3rd rudest country in the world and how bad an impression we must've made in the eyes of tourists.



Okay, maybe I am overreacting today(someone please tell me I'm NOT ><) and no, I'm not PMSing. I don't know why I get angry easily nowadays, it's nerve wrecking and I don't know what to do about it! I'm trying my best to stay jolly, what with Christmas just around the corner. No that wasn't it, not just because of Christmas although it probably contributes to it. Really, I do WANT to keep myself happy everyday but why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to get through a day without feeling down or miserable or like-a-loser or out-of-grip or uncertain or trapped??

FYI, I do know how to appreciate if that's what you think I need to learn next.