I spent 5 whole minutes thinking of a title for this post but at the end I thought: Oh just forget it

To be honest, I felt unfair that everyone I know gets to travel. Taiwan, Hong Kong, China, Macau, Bangkok, Europe, England... At this moment, I'd kill to be somewhere else other than here, and it's not even because I hate this place. I'm just sick of sitting at the same old spot seeing pictures of people happily taking rides in some foreign transportation or posing with a famous landmark while wishing I can take their place.

I'd been counting down the days to finally be back home, but maybe this holiday had been better in my imagination. That, I have no one to blame but myself. Everything just sort of fell apart. I broke up. I've gotten further apart from my family. I don't know myself anymore... I'd like to think that this is a part of life, and once the storm is over, once the graph of my life started shifting upwards from the lowest point, once I've learnt what I'm supposed to learn, I will be a new person. Better than ever. Somehow this foolish thought kept me going.

Sometimes, I wish I can shut it all up. But the more I try to keep these thoughts away and buried, the more it came running after me, haunting me before I slip into dreams, and then turning into my worst nightmares. I'm trying hard not to let this site turn into a place I dump all my emotions and tears. I remember crying and typing, with the consciousness I can get in between hatred and tears. This is not what I want. It's hard to be in control when I'm drowned by emotions, but i'll try.

My posts have been duplicating themselves haven't they? I'm gona be honest, starting fresh and improving in life, and as a person, isn't something easy. I'm alright when I'm around people, some of you may even think I'm faking it oh how I wish I was, then at least I don't have to deal with all the problem I'm going through. Gawd I hate it when I'm emo. I hate it more when people give me the omg-you're-emo-AGAIN look. Hello, got a problem with it??? I sure didn't ask for it.

Know what? Let's start fresh.

From tomorrow onwards, I'm going to learn how to relax, cut myself some slack, worry less, boost my confidence. I will be better, as a daughter, as a friend, and as a person. I'm not going to think badly about anyone anymore. I will not look in the mirror and see every flaw upon the reflection. I will not purposely impress someone just because I'm afraid to feel left out. I'm going to try to live a fulfilling life. I'm going to watch movies all day and snack on whatever I want :D

Now, what you can do is, assuming you're available to lend a hand, give me some time, maybe advice if any, and take off whatever assumptions you have on me, and everyone else for that matter. That way you're doing yourself a favour too no? By giving others a second chance and yourself a reason to know the person as a new friend. Trust me, sometimes you'd be surprise to find out that everyone is more than what they appear to be. I may sound like some nut talking nonsense, that I'm fully aware of, but hey, at least I spoke up right??

Being honest can be pretty scary at first, until now I'm still having trouble with that, especially when it comes to expressing my concerns and love towards others. The closer I am to someone the harder it is to tell them how I feel. I'm still afraid of saying mushy stuff and I'm certainly still a coward when it comes to love. I know I won't be getting into any relationship anytime soon, but the time will come when I'm ready :)) Rushing things will only ruin what's supposed to be right? And maybe someday I'll wake up and realize how much time I've wasted talking crap and feeling miserable, but that's okay. The best years in your life will not necessary be the happiest times. What's important is how you spent them living, experiencing, and in the same time learning. It's a process whereby you will not know the outcome until you've come to realize that you've learnt so much more than you had expected.

Well then, I'll be doing alot of sleeping, baking, eating, and bore-ing at home until CNY, hey it's not everyday you get to do that right? Btw, I'm still broke, so I guess I have to save up and learn to forgo stuff. Oh well, still a part of life eh?? Maybe this will motivate me to start looking for a part-time job once I get back to Melbourne. :D

Anyway, I hope that whoever reads this don't think that I'm just babbling. I do know what I'm typing this time :P of course i do, it's what I've tried to keep hidden since long before I can even remember.